Yeah, it’s based on a cartoon.
Three levels are presented, one difficult, one easy, one normal. Difficult does not equal fun. Difficult equals frustration and meaningless sacrifice. Easy indicates that you are not normal. Standards have been set, and you do not meet them. Here is a circle of paper. Instead of scissors, make a cutting shape with your fingers. I will tie your mittens to your jacket even though it’s 75 degrees outside. The winking duckhead is there to let you know that this is, indeed, the greatest experience of your life, and that the game realizes this.
Like the first stage of most NES games, the Amazon has had more thought put into it than the later levels. It has bright colors. It has a stupid looking duck in wonderful detail that makes funny little expressions. It has animals that makes sounds that don’t reflect their anatomy. Gorilla monkey men can’t squeal, but snakes and bees and little chomping flowers all make the same noise when you annoy them. It’s good to know that ducks will go to great lengths to acquire wealth.
He’s like Indiana Quacks, except he won’t donate the treasure to the museum. He’s not trying to get rich through violent corporate take-overs. He’s just raping the history of isolated cultures for his profit. What would monkeys and snapping plants do with diamonds? Nothing that a duck could, that’s for sure. Water fowl has taken on so many different hats that there’s no way that an isolated, land-locked primate could hope to accomplish. He just plunges ahead, unaware of the sparklies dancing around him. Even the duck doesn’t get any attention. He’s got an agenda, and by God, he’s gonna tromp all across the screen, treachery and danger be damned. The only thing he exists for is the other side of the screen. A fully formed gorilla beast, in and out with sheer determination that would rival a brick wall.
Like those bees could ever make a straight line. The determination is there, like the monkey, but they just don’t have all the skills neccesary to make rational decisions. Drunken bees, loaded with nectar and occasionally falling asleep during flight. Devoid of thoughts of mortal danger, because their world has not known the ferocity of a greedy duck.
The plants have fully formed teeth that could easily tear flesh from the limb, but have no eyesight. Only by sense can the feel the enemy approaching, reaching out blindly with the snapping jaws at a duck that can’t entirely be pinpointed. How did these plants get so big? They won’t eat the monkeys. And why did that snake stand up? Shouldn’t it bite or try to strangle the duck? Who put all these treaure chests out in the jungle? Did they get them wholesale? Wouldn’t just one of those diamonds be able to make you retire for life, or will the sheer quantity of them all flood the market and drive down the price? How can a diamond be red? Why am I asking so many questions? I bet all those diamonds could make a really cool laser. To blow stuff up with. Lots of things need to be blown up. Really.
I’ve heard that vines don’t usually stay stock still while you climb up and down on them. They reach the perfect height to hover over the ground and are equidistnat from one other. Natural marvels, but you can’t get enough leverage off them to jump, and don’t even think about swinging. These vines are among the most stubborn plant life in the world, next to petrified wood. Your only chance is to fall dramatically towards the next, similarly stubborn plant.
Ancient mystical ducks have discovered ways of hanging rocks in the sky. This is why they must be destroyed. Floating rocks represent a myriad of problems to modern society, threating individuals of differing heights to whack their heads in an undignified manner. The reason why the never spread past the jungle is because they were too busy strategically placing rocks in the air as a path inside their glorious temple while the rest of the world was evolving and ensuring financial success for anyone who has the dedication equal to that of one crazed duck.
Despite the presence of duck monuments, attacks come from tribal dogs. They are so set to destroy you, they launch their favorite sock covered stick in your direction. Collision is sketchy. Any rock approaching half the height of the stick while succesfully outmanuever the projectile. A giant tomato chases after you as well. Spikes on the floor force you to take on the power of the pogo stick jump in rapid succession. It doesn’t want to hurt you, just humiliate you. And it succeeds.
In a moment of unparallelled gaming bravada, a statue requires 300k before you can pass. No golden staircase, no angeldrawn chariot, just a platform made out of ceramic tiles that bounces up and down. You have to spend money to make money.
One of the small ducks (Gooey) is in the next room and imparts his wisdom unto you: Defeat the treasure keepers by using cane attacks. Insightful commentary from a six year old. After a completely unneccesary road block, serving only to heighten the tension before the big boss showdown, the boss appears in the next room. Despite the assurance of an Aztec, Inca or Mayan culture littered throughout the level, the boss is a bouncy robot statue that blinks at you. It can bounce very high, yes, but the impact isn’t nearly as impressive as some crazy wargod shooting fire and commanding the forces of nature.
The reward is an immaculately simple rod with an equally impressive jewel head at a cost of 1.1 million dollars. Tearing the universe asunder, even time is calculated into a pittance of a bonus for the world’s most successful duck.
The return to the mega money vaccuum machine finds that nothing has changed back at the homestead. The Amazon still appears on the list, but is no longer selectable. Teasing you with the possibility of a return trip.
Next on the list is the ever scary and spiritually possessed town of Transylvania, known throughout the world for its marvelous breakfast burritos. Showing the fine intelligence of a dead duck are two prime suspects who run directly into standing blocks. Short, squaty armor suits hang out, possibly used by their gorilla masters for jousting matches. The theme isn’t nearly as cool as the Amazon, and isn’t spooky. Another juvenile deliquent (Hooey) offers great advice, illuminating the idea of a fake wall. Where, who knows. But, hellfire and brimstone, there’s an illusion wall in the castle/manor/hovel! Find it, Scrooge! May your richiosity know no bounds! Not even the undead are safe from your clammy, feathered hands! Mummy ducks prattle back and forth on their chain link leash, supposedly preventing them from excaping the drab interior and look of originality in this level. Soon enough, a transport mirror whisks our hero away to a barren, rock filled corridor filled with squeal-emitting ghost full of frightening fun.
Next is a boss fight. More complicated than a jumping rock this time, the purple laden withc shoots lightening and transforms into a bird. What do these bosses do when no one is around? What makes this boss hard is the varying heights. I’m beginning to think this game is aimed at a younger audience, as I feel a lack of challenge here. Luckily, this boring stage is over.
Next is Africa! I see lights and trees and savannahs and…oh wait. It’s African Mines. Damn. A picturesque orange overwhelms the screen littered with tiny slugs. Delightful. Now there’s a duck (Phooey). He’s here to take us back to Transylvania! Woohoo! I love being forced to do something painful again. This incredibly uneventful and short stage has few highlights, save for a fat lady duck throwing ice cream and green aquaducks leaping from the cave deeps. There’s also an amazingly unguarded super treasure kept in a ridiculousy large box. Maybe Scrooge could retire! Not before he faces off against King Slug, though. His immensely powerful slug muscles have allowed him to develop skills that mortal slugs can only watch slack-jawed. After much spinning, Scrooge wins. How many stages are there? Two more? No!!!
Rinse, lather, repeat. The next two levels are excitingly anticlimactic with the exception of the hopping snowbunnies and maddening billy goats and the surprising amount of gravity on the moon. Two stupid bosses later, and Scrooge has accumulated the world’s greatest treasure. Or not. After throwing the treasures around the room, Scrooge has to face off against the great mastermind Dracula. Or Duckula. Whatever. He lives in, of course, Transylvania. Spin that record one more time, baby! The programmers must have been as impatient as I am with this game in order to shove this junk for a third helping. Not only that, but Duckula sends out tiny bats after you and nothing else. Lame. After vanquishing the worst final boss ever, Scrooge gets that funny feeling climbing up a rope to re-recover the treasure. I hope you die before you can spend it, Scrooge McDuck.

-mlbradley
durden26@comcast.net