I really love this job, I have to admit. I like video games. I especially like telling people what to think. And I like the fact that since this is not my primary source of income, it’s nearly pressure free. But most of all, I like the excuse it gives me to be totally unabashed in the kind of entertainment choices I make, because it’s not for me, it’s for my readers. Such is the case when the Dead or Alive movie finally made it into theaters.

To those who have better things to do then pay attention to this sort of thing, the distributors of this movie (certain that it wouldn’t make them the money back that it would have cost them to mail it to the theaters) let it languish on the shelf, complete, for two years. All this time, however, I kept my eyes peeled for its debut in the states, and when it did, I dropped everything and bought a ticket (yes, I was the one).

$9.50! I don’t want to get all “when I was a kid, movies cost a nickel” on you kind folks, but c’mon, that’s asking a bit much. However, my mild frustration at the expense of that evening’s entertainment was tempered by the fact that I sat alone in the theater for the entire time. Other then being a nice change of pace from dealing with the crowds at better attended (read: quality) movies, it no doubt cost the theater more than $9.50 to just pay the guy who starts the projector, and since I smuggled in a bag of sunflower seeds, I was definitely not the only one operating at a loss.

So how was the movie, you ask? Well, I’m not going to spoil anything for you, but suffice it to say that Uwe Boll is kicking himself right now, for not even he can make a video game movie this bad. (Not really, I just said that so Boll will stop challenging me to fight). But it’s not all that bad. I mean if you have a thing for women grunting (and hey, who doesn’t) then this is the film for you. And what about those stars, huh? Jamie Pressly and Kevin Nash aren’t the new Brad and Angelina, but they are still better then the attendees of the Halo 3 Beta Launch Party! Ah, let us bask in the glow of stars from the celebrity G-list.

Another great part of the movie is the presence of characters Ryu Hayabusa and Ayane, which means this is a close as we’ll ever get to a Ninja Gaiden movie! Wait…that’s not so great. Ok, there had to of been something…did I mention the grunting already?

In conclusion, this is a bad movie. It’s not even “so-bad-it’s-good” bad, or even “cult-following” bad. It’s just bad. It is “the-DVD-release-better-come-with-a-free-bowl-of-soup” bad. You have been warned.

THE RIDE BOARD:

Manhunt 2 Watch: In our follow-up section this week we learn that Manhunt 2 has now been banned by the “Irish Film Censor’s Office” and will not be sold on the Emerald Isle. First, just let me thank the Founding Fathers that we here in the states don’t have a government office who job it is to protect our delicate minds from having to think for ourselves, and secondly, some free advice for Rockstar: slapping a “BANNED IN IRELAND” sticker on the box will make this game the biggest thing since Guinness in a can. Oh, and: Corned beef, blarney, potatoes. (The rest of the stock Ireland-related words I didn’t bother to work into this paragraph.)

Did You Know: The late actor Richard Harris won a Grammy award for his Spoken Word Performance of Jonathan Livingston Seagull in 1973.

This is my stop.

ARCHIVE
Comments? Questions? E-mail me at seth410@gamertransit.com. Complaints? Tell it to the usher!
Back of the Bus is © 2007 by Seth “4:10” Robison, used with exclusive permission by gamertransit.com. Reproduction without permission is prohibited.