Modern cars. They all look like electric shavers. –Marv, Sin City

I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking when I decided to accept my buddy Nav’s offer of meeting him at the 2008 Chicago Auto Show, the one hundredth such event in Chicago, as they made clear as often as possible. Maybe it was the fact that my 95 Mustang GT has started to show its age. Maybe it was curiosity at what a five-dollar churro tastes like. Or maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t been to one since power windows were considered space-age technology (that also being the time when people used the term ‘space-age technology’ without irony).

Regardless, the secondary reason was certain: trying to get a media pass based on the owner of this site’s nascent bus/limo modification business. It failed (getting the pass, not the business), so this column will be filled with bitter negativity about the whole event. Which only goes to show the power of the media to be spiteful when spurned for justifiable reasons. Let me also note to my editor that they will get my invoice for $36: ten to get in, sixteen for parking(!), and ten more for emotional balance restoring churro-related expenses. Which you would think would make all of my complaints moot, but then you don’t know me very well, do you?

Now what to say about the actual show itself? Even if you like cars, I doubt you’d of had a good time. Like a Merchant Ivory production, it was all talking and looking and no action. The whole event seemed to lack of sense of the present, of the ‘now.’ Sure, there was a lot of talk about the du jour topic of fuel economy, gas/electric hybrids, and cars that run on corn (as if we could then eat the oil), and that’s all well and good, but while tomorrow is promised, it is yesterday that’s for sale. For instance, the revival of the Dodge Challenger and the special edition Bullitt Mustang, celebrating the 40th anniversary of the movie and the fact that the sixteen-year-old boys who saw the movie are now mid-lifed enough to buy its featured ride.

As for the future: the so-called ‘concept’ cars are still nothing more then an exercise in full-sized model building. Glorified pinewood derby cars with catchy names and a list of fictional features cobbled together by some under-inspired copywriter after watching a Knight Rider marathon. Laser windshield wipers? Ok! Strapless electromagnetic safety restraints? Sure? Automatic shaving system? Why not? Anything’s possible when you’re not expected to deliver!

But there was something else there at the show, something that felt strangely familiar, and as I milled about with the car-buying public, I realized what exactly this show was, and it sent a cold shock of terror down the length on my spine. See if you can follow me with this. It’s not a trade show, it’s a display open to the general public. They are showing off new product to entice potential buyers. There are tchotchkes and incomplete demos. Little presentations and a lot of addons and merch to buy.

It’s what PAX could be, ninety-six years from now. Nothing but product and crowrds, and no life or energy, and I’m glad that I (probably) wont be around to see it.

(Note: I aslo didn’t drop the fact that I also write for Comics101.com, one of Entertainment Weekly’s top 100 entertainment websites, on the show admins, but I will do that here every chance I get. And while we’re on the subject of reminders, racing games (like Project Gotham Racing 4, which sponsored the Car of the Show award, still suck))

This is my stop.

ARCHIVE
Comments? Questions? E-mail me at seth410@gamertransit.com.
Complaints? Now there’s a concept!
Back of the Bus is © 2008 by Seth “4:10” Robison, used with exclusive permission by gamertransit.com. Reproduction without permission is prohibited.