I was just thinking the other day that I hadn’t done one of these in a long time, especially since it’s kind of my signature (and only) regular feature. I guess it’s because completing a entire game in a single 24 hour period often causes me back pain, joint stiffness, eye strain and nausea (caused by either poorly designed camera vertigo, or overall game lousiness). So when I decided to return to this subject, I thought, why suffer alone? Why not share the pain with a co-op run through of EA’ s Army of Two?

Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Seth, you handsome devil, that game is months old, why this, why now, and didn’t Yahtzee do a much better job with this title already?’

Well, I’d have to reply that this game, as yet unplayed by me as it is, holds a special place in my heart, as it was the subject of my first Crossover Interview (still available for purview). As to why now, I was in fact invited to bring my singular skills over to my buddy Nav’s, who hornswoggled a copy, to provide assistance in the attempt. So I said, ’sure, I’ll come over and play in person, instead of just using Xbox Live…which I pay for to do this very thing with…anyway, it’ll give me a chance to run my new Mustang out on a interstate devoid of traffic in the early morning (more about that next time). So at 9am the games began as I arrived complete with wireless controller, notepad and speeding ticket. (Oh and about Yahtzee, if he can review Painkiller 2+ years after it’s release, I can do this, and hey, it’s not a competition…it’s not…really)

00:00 Power on, game start…whoops forgot my Gamer Profile.

00:01 Nav and I watch the last ten minutes of “The Astronaut Farmer” on cable while it downloads…Hey that guy is a farmer who goes into space and his name actually is Farmer, so that’s…clever?

00:11 Ok, here we go, split screen…and wow is that narrow, the tutorial pop ups take up each of them, it’s like the New York Times crossword puzzle had ammo pickups. Oh and the term “Aggro” still gives me bad California Games flashbacks.

00:22 Split screen, not such a good idea, I’ve got a great view of my right shoulder, and not much else.

00:40 Now, someone has to tell me who first came up with this life regen thing that all the FPSsses are doing these days, I remember the “revive your buddy thing” from SW:Republic Commando…that was fun, where’s the next one of those?

1:21 There’s something about gold-plating a sniper rifle that just seems counterintuitive, but engraving an RPG shell? Who gets that job?

1:55 For the hundredth time today already, I pull the left trigger expecting a lock-on while the skell runs right up to me and exchanges my teeth for buckshot at nearly the speed of sound. Too much GTA4 this week.

2:31 It’s level 3 before we bothered to spend any of the money we’ve earned on new weapons, Nav goes with the AUG, I pick the FELIN-2C, it reminds me of the Bullpup from Couterstrike, I frequently got killed wielding it in that game too.

2:49 We have our room clearance routine down at this point, I’m handier with a pistol, so I get to go semi-tangible more often.

3:00 That’s lunch, gotta get something down before this back-to-back spin attack thing makes me sick.

3:28 Ok, I understand that this is just a game, and I’ll give the possibility that the forces of darkness could take over an aircraft carrier (as something similar happened in a Steven Segal movie, so you know it’s possible), but there is just no way anyone looses track of it afterward. They are kinda big, and it’s not like we leave them floating by themselves, tied to a wooden pier with a bungee cord.

3:41 There is no door that we can’t yank loose with the power of teamwork! Rivets take warning! Welding be damned!

3:57 Actual conversation:

Me: The ship is sinking with them on it, why are they still fighting us?
Nav: They’re terrorists, they’re kinda known for their commitment to a cause.
Me: …I miss the days when they would flee at the first sight of failure, and would parachute even out of helicopters to save themselves.
Nav: I guess GI Joe wasn’t a great source of info about asymmetrical warfare.

4:22 Is there any shoehorned choke point as frustrating as a canal lock? Developers, why not give the curvature of the earth a break for a little while and think of something new that can slow down a river level, like a cataract…or a portage.

5:39 Hey the last level takes place in the HQ of ‘our side,’ that’s happening a lot these days, in Mass Effect and…some other games, I’m sure…Nav can’t think of any others either (some help he is) but this is a trend I know it. In the meantime, we’re getting our armored asses handed to us in this lobby, time for another break.

5:43 Wow, nice weather effect, the rain drops on the screen look great, but this is a 3rd person game, who’s vision is this obscuring, really? Is there a camera crew following these guys around, filming them?

6:19 Oh, is that it? Nice non-boss battle there, game. If I wanted all the action to take place in a cutscene, I’d of played Metal Gear.

Just six hours? Am I (or we in this case) that good? I don’t know EAers, sure the game looked good, if you like bloom, and it played ok, considering that the promise of co-op was fulfilled and that’s the only reason I was drawn to it, but we can tell that this is just an episodic franchise entry without a number (except for the “Two” part, I guess). We’ll see what happens in the next one (which would have to be Army of Two Two…a potential don’t ask, don’t tell situation if I’ve ever heard one), but for now it’s time to scavenge for Achievement points.

This is my stop.

UPDATE: Just before going to press with this column, EA comes out with news that an AoT expansion download is on its way featuring “the chance to take out Dalton, [the main character’s] ex-boss and the man responsible for framing them, in an intense boss fight where the glory of revenge is finally felt.” Making good on a glaring oversight or are they tired of being called out on yet another cut corner? Even though it’s free doesn’t make it right.

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Back of the Bus is © 2008 by Seth “4:10” Robison, used with exclusive permission by gamertransit.com. Reproduction without permission is prohibited.